the maternity leave

In the beginning, I had a pretty hard time navigating my maternity leave benefits.  After numerous talks with HR and reading these three posts and still did not have a clear understanding of how much time and how much pay I would get on leave. Even after going through it, I still am confused about the time and money I got.

http://www.hellobee.com/2012/11/19/maternity-leave-in-california/

http://pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/wiki/California_Maternity_Leave

http://siliconvalleymamas.com/2013/03/understanding-maternity-leave-in-california-2013-edition/

I think the mother really needs to decide how much time she wants to take and then work with her employer.  For me, the daycare spot did not open up until August so that was when I wanted to return to work.  Since my boss was ok with that, it was then a matter of filing the proper paperwork with the company and state. I took a portion of my leave unpaid.

Every employee and employer will be different.  In the beginning of the year, my plan changed to unlimited vacation policy where I would not accrue PTO.  I was paid out for the PTO I had accrued and I used this money to cover the unpaid portion of my leave. Under this plan, for my maternity leave, I was allowed 5 days at 100% pay and then 15 days at 40% pay.  I decided not to take any time off before the baby actually came so that I could stretch that benefit for longer time with the baby.  I started my leave on my due date February 17th and was covered to May 11th by Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and paid until April 2nd by Pregnancy Disability Leave (PDL).  FMLA is 12 weeks job protected, unpaid leave and PDL is 6 weeks at 55-60% pay. Then California Family Rights Act (CFRA) protected my job from April 3rd to June 24th .  I didn't use the full 12 weeks of CFRA baby bonding time. From June 24th to July 31st, I was on personal leave.

Clear as mud?

the labor and delivery

prior to labor, I had heard all these awesome stories where people had really short labors.  It didn't occur to me until later that their water broke.  For them, labor was a couple hours and then the baby was out.  None of this waiting at home forever.

On my due date, I went to see my OB.  We had the option of getting my membranes swept which basically meant separating the bag of waters from the uterus.  We did that and actually also had to go to antenatal testing because there was some slight heart arrhythmia and the OB wanted us to get it checked out.  Everything was fine so we went home.

The next morning, Wednesday February 18th, I started having contractions.  I think I had contractions before but those were not real.  They just felt like one small part was tightening.  When I woke up at 7:30am, I started timing my contractions and they were 5 minutes apart, about a minute each, lasting for about an hour.  I waited until 10am to call the hospital and they said I could come in if I wanted.  I watched Up, had lunch with Stephen and then headed in around 1pm.  I was still only 1cm dilated which was the same as the day before.  We went home and I watched a lot of episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I took a shower and a bath, but the pain was getting to be a bit much so I skipped dinner and tried to nap.  The Prenatal Partners yoga class didn't help me all that much.  Stephen tried to encourage different poses and different places to sit, but it all felt pretty crappy.  Now I know why when I asked people to compare labor pain to something, they couldn't.  It is just pure pain and the consistency and persistence of it is what makes it unbearable.  There were times when I thought I would throw up.  And I do not get nauseated easily. We went back to the hospital at around 10pm.  I had not progressed much to my disappointment and they sent me home again with a shot of morphine to help me sleep.  It was a relief.  We got home around midnight and I woke up at 4:30am.  Compared to the contractions at the start of my labor, these were really super painful.  I was sure I wanted to go in. This time I was 7cm dilated!  Woohoo!!  I was cheering as I was finally admitted!  They do not admit you unless you are 4cm dilated. 

I had considered not getting an epidural, but considering how painful and long labor already was, I was definitely ready for some relief.  I didn't ever think I would need a morphine shot and I got that so when they asked if I wanted an epidural, I was all in.  After I got the epidural, I felt a lot better.  We even watched Frozen.  I was not allowed to eat anything though and I kept thinking what a mistake it was that I had skipped dinner the night before. Then I didn't have breakfast or lunch or dinner that day really.  I am not sure if the epidural had slowed things down, but I was not progressing even though they had broken my water.  In the afternoon, they gave me some Pitocin to get my contractions going again.  Also by this time, the epidural was not total numbness and loss of control.  I would feel my legs and could feel contractions, though they were not as painful. 

At around 4:30pm, I was fully dilated so could start pushing. We tried some different positions. We started with the birthing bar, using the vertical supports to push against with my feet and then a sheet to pull back on.  We also tried squatting but the nurse didn't recommend it because of edema.  We also tried side curled. We ended up in a position where I was on my back, holding my knees up, curling over.  At around 8:00pm, baby was born!! I was super relieved. When they broke my water earlier in the day, there was a little bit of poo in the water, so when baby came out, all I could see was her back and the dark umbilical cord.  They whisked her off to get cleaned.  They worked on getting the placenta out and when that came out, I thought it was all over.  Turns out it wasn't!  I had some postpartum bleeding/hemorrhaging due to uterine atony so the two doctors were trying to massage my uterus into contracting.  They even brought in a third doctor to try as well.  I felt like I was getting beat up!  I also got a shot of hemabate. After a little while, they were able to successfully stop the bleeding so then I finally got to hold baby!

the daycare

We decided to look into daycares earlier so that we could have a plan for when we both go back to work.  We started with the McDonald's of daycares, Bright Horizons.  A lot of these daycares have long waitlists so getting started early is always a good idea.  Most of the daycares offered very similar things.  We also looked at some schools that offered infant care.  The schools and the Bright Horizons were similar in price, both pretty expensive.  In the end, we went with an in home daycare, which was a lot cheaper.  We thought that by preschool we could transition her to a school. We visited three.  Location is pretty important.  We wanted convenience so we didn't spend a lot of time dropping off and picking up.  They were all in the city but just a bit more distance meant a lot more time in the car especially during rush hour. 

the classes

Most hospitals offer classes for first time parents.  We decided to go with a basic package and took a newborn care class, breastfeeding class, and birth class.  We debated about taking a CPR class but the YouTube videos seemed pretty good.  Of the three classes we took, the newborn care class was probably the least useful.  Maybe it was because I read the Baby 411 book.  It didn't feel like we learned that much.  We took the birth class next and that one was long. It probably could have been condensed.  She tried to have us do some poses but the classroom setting was probably not the best place for that. The birth class was also scary.  We watched three births on video and every one looked painful.  After that class, I had major anxiety about the pain of giving birth. We took breastfeeding last and that class had some good information.  The teacher was super animated and pretty funny so it was an entertaining class.

the exercise

I walked to and from work all throughout pregnancy. It is about 20 minutes each way.  I am definitely slowing down now and it probably takes me 10 minutes longer.  It is still nice to move a little bit though.

Starting at around 30 weeks, I went to prenatal yoga.  I went to Bernal Yoga once and then Yoga Tree Potrero the rest of the times.  Yoga Tree Potrero is super convenient.  It is close and parking is easy.  The class can get a bit full and crowded.  I think most prenatal yoga classes are the same.  At least the Bernal and Yoga Tree teachers taught very similar things. Of course we start with breathing, then strengthening which is basically arm work, warrior poses which are hip openers.  It is not really a workout but stretching and relaxation. I forgot to mention that the first time I went to class, I was surprised that we spent a lot of time introducing everyone in the class.  We said our names, how far along we were, and if we wanted to work on anything. I think it is meant to foster community. It was also neat to see how different people who were the same number of weeks pregnant could look so different. Everyone's body is different.

We also took a Prenatal Partners class.  There were so many couples there. It was actually with the teacher who taught the Bernal Yoga prenatal yoga class. I thought it was neat. It is totally different from a prenatal yoga class.  She taught the partners how to help the moms through labor with massage. 

the nursery

We have a second bedroom that we knew we were going to make the nursery.  We also decided later on that the baby would probably sleep with us in our room in a bassinet for the first month or so.  The second bedroom has definitely come a long way. It basically became a storage room for all my craft things, all our snowboard gear and various other random things.  There was a lot of purging which is always a lot of work, but pretty rewarding. 

We debated keeping the full sized bed since space was tight if we added a crib.  In the end we kept the bed in case visitors come over.  I can also sit on it to nurse.  Gliders are expensive.  The bed will do just fine.  We ended up doing a lot more re-purposing than we had intended. There was a desk/table in a nook that we make into the changing area.  We moved the drawers our of our closet and into this bedroom for baby clothing storage.  We had to get either get closet organization or more drawers for our own closet and ended up going the cheaper route with some ikea drawers. 

The main issue with the room now is that it is way too hot.  We added some blackout shades but it is still too hot. We considered a ceiling fan but not sure that it will cool it enough. Another big thing we did was change out the carpets in both rooms. It was a mess for a while since we had all the bedroom furniture in the dining room for a while.  The new carpet is nice though and definitely makes the room feel new. Stephen painted a wall a grayish purple color.  I accidentally bought eggshell so Stephen had issues with the sheen and getting an even coat.

Before

After

the baby shower

When it came to planning our baby shower, we knew we wanted our friends and family to be there.  My husband and I started planning ourselves and then delegated tasks to some willing friends. The main tasks for us was finding a place and also food.

The venue was a bit of a pain.  We were not willing to spend that much but needed a space that could fit everyone in San Francisco.  We were estimating about 40 people so our condo was out of the question.  We wished our condo had a community room so we actually booked a day at a friend's community room.  We had been to a baby shower there before.  Weather was awesome while we were looking for a venue so my husband had his heart also set on the mini SF Giants field.  We also booked there.  It was just a mini baseball field with no real restrooms and tables or chairs so it seemed like it would be a lot of work to set up. Not to mention if it rained then we would need to move the location last minute.

Carol had been to a baby shower in the South Beach Harbor Community room so she helped us look into that. It was the right size and right price, so we confirmed that location. It was perfect.  It was close to home, had a playground right next door, had tables, chairs, and a restroom, and tables outside for people who wanted to be outside.  The only issue was parking.  We tried to mitigate it by scheduling the shower on a Sunday so that at least street parking would be free.  It was also hard to find since it is actually Pier 40A and lots of people ended up at Pier 40.  Also Pier 40 is not next to Pier 39.

We decided to go with City Smokehouse for catering and it was a hit.  We had chicken, beef brisket, mushrooms, beet salad, rolls, and mac and cheese.  People loved the BBQ and it was super easy.  It is not cheap though and we had contemplated just doing Costco roasted chickens and some Trader Joe's frozen food. We had so much food leftover.  Next time we don't need to order the same number of servings as attendees.  We still have leftovers frozen.

The theme was dictated by the Paperless Post invite Jacqueline helped us find and send out.  It actually matched our wedding invitations.  The e-card had woodland creatures on a wooden background.

Carol took the lead on most of the decorations. Jacqueline also found and bought supplies. Jess did drinks

 Cynthia organized all the games and desserts with the help of my mother-in-law

The baby shower was fun. It was great to see all our close friends and family. 

the gender reveal

So it has been a while since I wrote.  I cannot believe that my due date is almost 2 weeks away!  Time flies but this last leg definitely felt super slow.

Since then a lot has happened. we did an informal gender reveal where we didn't find out the gender right there during the ultrasound appointment.  We had the doctor and the sonographer circle the gender on a note and sealed it until we could open it at dinner.

We went out to dinner that night to Aveline.  We used to watch Top Chef religiously and the chef at Aveline was a fan favorite on one of the seasons that we followed.  It was nice that we were not in a doctor's office and no one was explaining the anatomy of the baby to us.  We were having dinner and chatting about the baby between courses.  I looked at the note second so I saw my husband's reaction first.  I had actually thought it was a boy, but it's a girl!

the books

i have been doing some reading on pregnancy and parenting.

The first book I read was How Eskimos Keep Their Babies warm.  It was a collection of one mother's experiences in different parts of the world. It didn't get too deep into parenting philosophies but was interesting to learn about how children are in other parts of the world.

The next few books were given to me by a friend who has kids.  What To Expect When You're Expecting is in a question and answer format.  I read through what was relevant to me.  If you have a question about your pregnancy, it is probably answered in this book.  She also gave me The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy.  It is a bit dated but some things still apply.  I am still reading the Baby 411 book but this one is not that fun for me.  While reading it, I feel like there is so much to remember.  It includes lots of tables about what weight the baby should be at what age or how much they should eat or how much they should sleep or what developmental milestone they should've reached. Stresses me out.

I also read Bringing Up Bebe and enjoyed it quite a bit. It is one American mother's point of view on French parenting. It is easy to read, funny, and relatable.  I like a lot of the discoveries she documents.  I am not sure I can implement them but the book resonated with me.

Then I read Parenting Without Borders.  Also interesting to read about how other countries deal with parenting.

Some others I want to read are Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, and Happiest Baby on the Block. There are some on my list I might not get to: Brain Rules for Baby, NurtureShock, No Drama Discipline, and The Whole Brain Child.

the maternity clothes

For the first couple months, I was able to wear my normal clothes. My tops were not tight fitting so I have been able to wear the same tops.

From week 15-20, I actually wore some DIY maternity jeans. I made two jeans with elastic inserts.  Then one pair of black pants with a different type of elastic insert.  And finally one pair of jeans with a full panel. The elastic insert jeans worked quite well for a while but then there started to not be enough room. I moved to the full panel but because I cut too much they don't fit right and fell down. I would constantly have to yank them up which is unsightly and a pain.  For my black pants, I used a seam ripper and opened up the sides and back seam and added elastic there.  They are also ill-fitting and fall down when I walk.

At Week 21, I gave in and bought a pair of maternity jeans from gap. they are full panel and very well made.  They dont fall down, are comfortable, and look great.  I've also been wearing my lululemon leggings but at times even those dont sit at the right place on my belly.

I had really hoped to not buy maternity clothing but now my shirts are starting to feel tight. next purchase might be maternity shirts

the news

i had an irrational fear of something bad happening or of miscarriage so it took us a while to feel comfortable enough to tell people about the baby.  it really depends on how comfortable you feel and everyone is different. We waited until about 14 weeks until we told our parents and even then it was a bit rushed.

we were going to guernville/healdsburg for the weekend with my college friend and his wife and we knew that during the weekend, they would figure that I was not drinking wine.  So on our drive up to meet them for dinner, we called our parents.  My parents seemed happy and my mother-in-law seemed more concerned.  Everyone will react differently.

A lot of people will have a lot of advice.  Don't eat watermelon.  Don't eat cheese.   Don't eat spicy stuff.  Don't eat this or that.  Those are personal choices as well. They key for me is really cleanliness.  If I think the food is clean I will eat it.  Of course, even when I think it is clean, it may not be.  So far in my pregnancy, I had one cold and then two small bouts of diarrhea.  Nothing serious though.

I didn't have morning sickness so I was able to wait before needing to tell my boss. Once I told her, I told my actual manager as well. It was weird, when I talked about being pregnant, I would tear up. Damn hormones.

the doctor

I had seen two other Obs before deciding that this third one was the right one for me. By the time I saw her though, I was already pregnant so that might have subconsciously factored into it. A lot of people in San Francisco deliver at CPMC.  It seems to be the hospital of choice.  I wanted to make my own choice. 

My sister-in-law delivered at Mills Peninsula in Burlingame.  We had visited her after she gave birth and the place was relatively new, easy to access, and had ample parking.  The first Ob I saw delivered there. I had some concerns about being more susceptible to postpartum depression and tapering off the medication I was on at the time.  We seemed to have some cultural differences as she did not understand why people were unhappy or depressed.  Where she came from, people supposedly did not have the luxury of being depressed.  She told me to eat some jelly beans instead of my medication as placebo effect.  At the time, it seemed humorous, but looking back it was kind of negligent that she would suggest something like that.

The next Ob I saw did deliver at CPMC.  She was really straightforward and while she was not warm or fuzzy, she seemed knowledgeable and open to hearing my concerns. She was the one who suggested we start before the tracker told us to so I am grateful for her suggestion. 

My Ob now delivers at UCSF.  What I liked about UCSF was that it was close by, the new hospital is being built within walking distance.  I was also open to exploring the possibility of having a midwife help me out and UCSF has them on staff.  I actually don't know if CPMC has that as well. I wanted to try a natural birth, maybe even without an epidural so having a midwife there would be great.  I am not against an epidural but I believe I had a relatively high pain tolerance.  Birth seems so unpredictable so that might not be possible, but I would like the opportunity and the support to try.

When I went in for my first appointment, which was called the pregnancy confirmation, I loved how close and convenient the office was.  It was also really new and high tech.  They weighed me on the bed I was sitting on instead of those uncalibrated beam scales.  They also asked me if I wanted to know my weight, which was surprisingly a first!  I actually did not prefer to know because it can trigger issues for me, but this was the first office that actually asked me.  Some offices I would even tell them I don't know how much I weigh or that I prefer a blind weigh and they would still tell me!  They did include the weight on the post-appointment print out, but at least they tried. 

My doctor was knowledgeable, warm, and pretty easy going which were all qualities I didn't know I preferred until I met her. 

the calendar

One useful tool that we used to conceive was the period tracker.  There are other tools out there that people use.  We might have tried the ovulation strips too but we seemed to be relatively lucky in conceiving without too much time or effort.  In my search for an ob, one did recommend that we start about 10 days before the tracker told us it was "time".  The first month we did that, it worked!

the medication

Among some other obvious things we needed to do to have a baby, we had wanted to be medication free while trying to get and being pregnant.  When Kody passed, my support team and I decided that it was too much to try to taper off my medications.  One of the medications I was taking was an obvious one to stop because a recent study had shown that it was toxic for babies and caused cleft palate/lip.  It was also one that I had not been taking that long when compared to the other one.  The other medication had unknown effects on babies. It was a personal choice and the medication was always something I preferred not to be on if I could.  It was very hard for me to tell whether the medication was helping me or it was the other legwork I was doing. So earlier this year, we started the process of tapering off again.  I didn't go through any significant withdrawal which was great. After the tapering was complete, we had the green light to start trying to conceive.

the recovery

life is all about recovery.  things knock you down and you recover and get back up.

2013 was tough.  There were days when I didn't think I could move on or when I thought moving on might be a sign that I would forget Kody.  I will never forget her.  I won't forget what she taught me and what she stood for.

I journalled.  I went to therapy.  I tried to distract myself with new crafts.  I sketched.   I crocheted.  I felted. I tried unsuccessfully to volunteer with french bulldogs.  I tried again successfully to volunteer with another french bulldog organization. 

Then we adopted Pip from another organization that rescued french bulldogs.  She is such a blessing. Supposedly she was a stray in San Jose.  We often try to guess how she became a stray.  Maybe she escaped?  Or ran away?  Not sure how someone could give a dog up.  She was picked up by a shelter and then by the Bulldog Club of America Rescue Network.  There she was fostered before being adopted by a couple who returned her after some months because they couldn't potty train her.  They also found silica stones in her bladder that she had removed during surgery.  I saw her on petfinder and decided to apply. They came and visited our place and we were approved!  We drove to Folsom/Shingle Springs and met her at her foster mom's work/vet office.    

It has been a year since Pip joined our family and I am so grateful for her presence in my life. 

baby planning

So we are expecting our first child next year 2015!

As with all things, there was planning involved.  I wish I could have documented the planning process real time but we didn't tell family until recently and even now, not all our friends know!

First things first, of course my husband and I were on the same page about wanting children.  We could go for more than two but by three I might be close to 40 years old!  We got married in 2012 and were open to having children soon after but were also open to enjoying married life.  Unfortunately, 2013 started with huge heartache as we I lost my french bulldog, Kody to unknown reasons. I was devastated.  I still think about her everyday and even as we plan for baby, I wish Kody could have been here. We really took 2013 to re-coop and heal.

Bright December wedding

My cousin and her boyfriend of 10+ years from high school got married christmas 2013 in Hong Kong.  She sent me this mood board and asked me to make tassel garlands for the weather balloons.   

Tassel garland in the making.

Shipping the disassembled garland was no small feat itself.  I went to fedex and they wanted to charge me an arm and leg so i went to UPS at more than half the cost.  It arrived fast and in one piece!

 When we arrived in hong kong we got to assembling them.  But we soon realized even this was best done on site.

Most of the tassels ended up being used for other decoration besides the balloons.  The tassels can really weigh down the balloons and we were not totally prepared for that.  We improvised and the outcome was not too bad.  She had another banquet a few days later and we reused the tassels that night as well. 

Camelot 1st Birthday

i helped a friend with her son's first birthday. it was in the outdoor area of a cafe.  the location was perfect but because it was public, there were lots of other people and kids who wanted to be part of the fun!  she wanted a knights and dragons theme because her son was born in the year of the dragon.

i created a candy/snack bar that had dragon food (cheerios), cannonballs (maltesers), swords (pocky and pretz), chessmen (cookies), knight shields (ritz), fish (swedish fish), and dragon nails (bugles).  for the signs i printed them on a sword graphic then adhered it to a shield and then a ribbon

 cricut sign

Coral and Aqua Baby Shower

I helped organize a friend's baby shower and it was a DIY affair from the food to the decor.  the only theme here was that she liked the color scheme of peach, coral, orange and aqua, teal, mint.  we shared pinterest boards to get ideas down.  the invitation had the ideal colors so all materials/graphics matched the invite

the first step was looking for a caterer.  after deciding that they cost too much we decided to do a mixture of food from a restaurant and some easy recipes.

baby shower sugar cookies made by a friend

mini desserts from whole foods

 

we got 3 bloomspots for 2 dozen mini cupcakes from mission minis

oranges were halved and gutted for fruit cups

 my MIL made roast beef and egg salad and cucumbers and we made three kinds of tea sandwiches

a charcuterie plate

 popcorn

 then we worked on decor.  i made two diaper cakes as gifts.  the middle is rolled up swaddle blankets. 

 there were games

 mad lib wishes for the babies

 i used this easy tutorial to make bunting banners.  one says baby baby

 and the other says yay carol

 the favors were mini succulents that we planted into votive holders

 the guest book was alphabet blocks

 for decor we also had pompoms, rosettes and lanterns

 flowers were from trader joes in blue ball jars

 more lanterns

it was a really tiring experience but got so many compliments!